I am sitting here contemplating whether or not to write this post. But then again, the ‘other party’ has been blogging continuously about the matter at hand. So why not let out what I feel in the only way I know how?
I am single. It’s been two months now if not more. I can’t even remember because I don’t think I want to remember.
We broke up because it was time. I mean, we both knew things were not going well between the two of us. He was very much aware of that, but he just didn’t want to let go. I could have let things be the same too, but I value my happiness more than anything in this world. As a result, I decided to be the one who says it’s over.
Obviously, he did not take this very well, and for reasons –known by him only- he felt that I didn’t care and that I was sailing through life very smoothly now that I ended things with him. He also thought I was leaving him for someone else. What he didn’t know is that, I lost my focus at work because I was trying to figure out how do I keep him in my life but not be in a relationship with him.
I knew very well that him and I could never be friends, but I thought since we shared a very tight and special bond, we could create something that could fall in-between a relationship and a friendship.
Sadly, the conclusion I reached did not match any of my wishes. Instead, I stopped speaking to him. Basically, I cut all communication between us. The aim here was to get him to get over me quickly. Having said that, I knew how much that would hurt him. He hated me, as a result.
Why did we break up? I simply could not find myself in him. We not meant to be.
In realising this, I failed to communicate with him properly. I kept this to myself, but eventually I reached a stage where I was very uncomfortable and unhappy with what we had. Hence I decided to be open about it. After all, I come first in preaching honesty to all my friends. I could not be caught dead being dishonest to someone I love.
We spoke about this and we came up with ways to sort it out. Later, however, I realised that he had stopped living his own life. He started living for me. He stopped socialising and communicating with his friends. He started worrying more about my friends, my problems, my hard time at work, my family issues and all those kind of things. I didn’t like this. And I told him, but I was farting in the water, it seemed.
I know I look for myself in all those I date. But if I find that one lacks that ‘me-ness’, I tell them, but I don’t want them to shape themselves to fit that. It’s just something I expect them to have at a go. Unfortunately, I was experiencing this with someone who was already insecure, because things came to a point where he felt all the guys I was friends with wanted me and I loved them more than him.
This was absurd, and therefore I did not intend to entertain it. I hated it, and we often fought about it.
I fuelled his insecurities by disclosing –out of honesty, I thought- crushes I had on a couple guys he knew. This was the boiling point for our problems.
I knew for a fact I was wrong; for telling him this, and for letting things reach a point where I look for a ‘perfect’ relationship while I’m in a relationship. I was wrong for getting involved with a kid.
You can just imagine the sort of damage it did to him, when I dumped him. I felt so bad. I felt so evil for causing him so much pain after having told him a million times that I love him, and that no matter what I will stick with him.
He is too young to be in a relationship like the one we had. He needs someone who is not going to complicate his life. Someone who will help him grow up. In fact, he needs someone of his age exactly. Not me. I am a mess that needs solving. Unfortunately, he was not the pertinent creature to help me in this regard. I needed myself to sort this out.
Having been hurt so bad by two people whom I thought loved me, I broke someone’s heart. I put him through the same pain I hate to go through. The one dent that never goes away.
I am to blame. I would love to shift the blame to the issue of gay relationships that never last, but only last when faithfulness and cheating are considered the prime principles. But, I will not.
Happy read!
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