Life is full of gorgeous moments. With those moments, of course, where all that the physical eye sees and the mind understands as murky. Wise minds, nonetheless, spend most of their time working on what seems to make them happy. The aim being to develop a sustainable way of living a happy life. 'Some' people spend their time feeling sorry for the things that go wrong in their lives as opposed to - at least - trying to sort their problems out or finding ways to deal with THEM.
This perspective of mine is stirred by my everyday living which is never unwavering. Well, I face challenges just everyone else, but like the wise minds, I choose to focus on developing sustainable ways of living my life happily.
This works. Living happily that is. However, I have come to realise that, I carry my past with me and I have been doing so for most of my life. This means that my past basically has a say in most of the moves I make to create a future for myself. This becomes a problem, as a result because I was brought up in an environment where my mentality was shaped to believe that the past has no place in the future. The irony, subsequently, is the fact that the decisions I make today are based on what happened yesterday.
This realisation (of my past smooching my future) sprang to mind when I had friends over, this past week, for a movie; The killer inside me. A movie they found traumatic due to its ‘disturbing’ and very graphic brutality. Halfway through a scene where a woman repeatedly gets punched on the face by a man, they demanded I take it out. I did.
My friends failed to understand how I could watch such a movie to the end, let alone recommend it to them. I had to explain; digging back in my past how I use to despise my step father who created a punch bag out of my mother to the point of bleeding, how i wished evil upon him to how miserable he is these days.
Sharing with them this, I didn't cry but deep down something was tearing me apart. Clearly I have grown and matured over the years or I have learnt to hide this particular pain so well. My body felt weird though, while my voice reached an even higher note.
This perspective of mine is stirred by my everyday living which is never unwavering. Well, I face challenges just everyone else, but like the wise minds, I choose to focus on developing sustainable ways of living my life happily.
This works. Living happily that is. However, I have come to realise that, I carry my past with me and I have been doing so for most of my life. This means that my past basically has a say in most of the moves I make to create a future for myself. This becomes a problem, as a result because I was brought up in an environment where my mentality was shaped to believe that the past has no place in the future. The irony, subsequently, is the fact that the decisions I make today are based on what happened yesterday.
This realisation (of my past smooching my future) sprang to mind when I had friends over, this past week, for a movie; The killer inside me. A movie they found traumatic due to its ‘disturbing’ and very graphic brutality. Halfway through a scene where a woman repeatedly gets punched on the face by a man, they demanded I take it out. I did.
My friends failed to understand how I could watch such a movie to the end, let alone recommend it to them. I had to explain; digging back in my past how I use to despise my step father who created a punch bag out of my mother to the point of bleeding, how i wished evil upon him to how miserable he is these days.
Sharing with them this, I didn't cry but deep down something was tearing me apart. Clearly I have grown and matured over the years or I have learnt to hide this particular pain so well. My body felt weird though, while my voice reached an even higher note.
The discussion grew, leading to some –in fact all the others- sharing what they know in regards to physical abuse. It was at that stage that I realised that this movie shook me up (even the first time I watched it) and it opened wounds I thought were healed. Well, the wounds have healed, but the issue remains that whatever happened between my mother and step father affected me strongly, and somehow has affected the way I do things or respond to delineation of physical abuse. This is what my friends found very creepy.
My ‘father’ may not have physically abused me like my mother, well not that much, but I was around every time the fights took place. Because of that, my emotions were bruised, my mind was dented and my heart damaged.
The fact that I managed to sit and take in what all my friends considered repulsive behaviour hit me and it scared me. I’m assuming my friends thought I did not find the movie disturbing or maybe I suggested the movie thinking it is funny.
The fact that I managed to sit and take in what all my friends considered repulsive behaviour hit me and it scared me. I’m assuming my friends thought I did not find the movie disturbing or maybe I suggested the movie thinking it is funny.
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