Fragmented emotion

Unphotographable occurrences, significant utterances and attitude.

Offensive sighs, shifting of blame, middle fingers in action.

I am confused; what was meant to be is in pieces.

Just yesterday, sweetheart was an address.

Today, derogative titles are mine, yet I still hold close love.

Once upon a time, my heart knew only your bounds.

Of late, your hand clenches a scalpel.

The lips that once embraced mine speak ill of love.

Your eyes, at arm’s length, hoot undesirable fruits.

Incurable indifferences surface amid company.

Emotions have grown heavy; this has become us.

Your dream sees my end as I gather your soul from the bin.

Today, I see an animal; it approaches and it wails.

Just yesterday, you clogged lapdogs growling my way.

Of late, I dance on my own while you emulate a tired Gucci watch.

Happy read!

Submitting to defeat

As if to emulate a megastar who has come to a flop, my belief in love has been tainted. The hope that used to be echoed through from each of my eyes has vanished; leaving behind a heart so opaque and broken.

For months, my mind made efforts to convince my heart of the light possibly visible at the end of the tunnel. Blocking all lies and exterminating supporting heartaches, my heart declines and responds only through imperceptible exchanges. It has even become a stranger to its owner.

It’s like I am empty. It’s like my career alone is not enough, anymore. It’s like I have always been in love. It’s I have always been loved. It’s like I have always been love. Of which, the on and offs have always been a big part of my life.

In an attempt to comprehend the crux of the matter, I wonder if it is the recently curved link that has messed me up or maybe the damage has been piling up since the first break-up in 2007?

They can break my heart as many times as they like, but they can never take away my belief and will to love. I used to say. Nowadays, I utter the same phrase, without even a pinch of conviction. Hence I am convinced; my liver is where my heart used to be.

Today, I look at men and all I see is men, not the species I would imagine devouring from my garage door all the way to the sink in my kitchen. It’s like I have just been born and all I can feel is hunger for food and thirst for grinded red grapes. I believe I have lost my ability to love. Actually, now I think I am disabled. Too bad the government in my country does not cater for victims of this sort.

Loneliness has always been here. In fact, he is the only man with whom I have had the longest relationship. I think he has been with me since the day my father escaped life willingly. He has seen me struggle with being a pink black from an early age. He was with me when I enjoyed varsity life and he continued to see me through my first and last times.

I used him whenever I needed a getaway, simply because I am used to him and he understands me more than my friends claim to.

Time to point fingers is long gone. I would know, that is what I do best. Until I cross runways with yet another pink black who appears worthy of me again, I will use this time to set fire to the rain. Simultaneously collect the bricks left of my belief, and reconstruct what is left of my heart.

I may be lacking to conviction when citing strength, courage and wisdom, but I still maintain that in me I possess some flicker that holds the potential to set my life ablaze.

I do not believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, there is no tunnel to begin with. However, there are numerous opportunities in this dark hour.

Happy read!

Subject imminent

Man, oh man he’s a good man
Fixed to his word, he’s keeping up
He makes up for the less I hear of him
He listens, he remembers and he does.

I told him. He acted
Like I had asked, he spoke on time yet he broke me into pieces.

His speech was packed with fruit. But I don’t like oranges and litchi
His words tore apart the tubes conveying blood from various parts of my body to the heart
He hurt me. I made him hurt me.

My heart is tired
Leaving my mental supremacy in doubt of the intense feeling of deep affection my heart exudes from its aperture.

I made a fool out of God
Now my nose bleeds stupidity
He must be glad
Though appalled, I will applaud the timing.

Happy read!

Solutions... (inspired by Lauryn Hill's Oh Jerusalem)

Instances, examples and problems,
Emergencies, pain and silliness;
My body inevitably fail to connect and reasons cannot be defined.
Less sleep, more pills, mind drugged, my soul is dead,
And my young mind perished in the name of love.
Can I testify and say I was an actor, stage names, lies and imperfections defined me.
Forgetting lines, having no father but trusting in a man,
Failing schools tests, lacking direction but finding joy at varsity,
Limitations and boundaries dictating the light in my tunnel-shaped journey.

Instances, examples and problems,
Emergencies, pain and all;
Tradition abandoned, rules broken while hearts are in a process of being repaired,
Oh I cry, in the name of ancestors as a black soul
I cry in the name of those who live in the moment
I cry in the name of love; that which never existed.

I defined myself in the same way my enemies scrub their floors,
I explain my existence to those who felt I owed them.
I analysed my behaviour to a woman whose genitals stretched as God moulded my parts and shaped my heart, the same heart I have in my hand.

Instances, examples and problems,
Emergencies, pain and cluelessness;
I sleep around, I am sick; I no longer reap, but suck fruits less tasteful than bananas.
I forgot I was a man, I knew I was, but I had to thrust my being where my feet are forbidden as a man.
I forgot I was a loner, I knew I was, before I fell in love and felt good about it,
Deception fooled me; lust blinded me hence I often came quickly.

My traditions have found me, I chose you though I know you ditched me intentionally,
My heart is all repaired; I had to sort it, even though men stabbed me repeatedly in it,
I have found myself through instances, examples and problems,
Emergencies, pain and all.

 

Happy read!