I broke his heart...

I am sitting here contemplating whether or not to write this post. But then again, the ‘other party’ has been blogging continuously about the matter at hand. So why not let out what I feel in the only way I know how?

I am single. It’s been two months now if not more. I can’t even remember because I don’t think I want to remember.

We broke up because it was time. I mean, we both knew things were not going well between the two of us. He was very much aware of that, but he just didn’t want to let go. I could have let things be the same too, but I value my happiness more than anything in this world. As a result, I decided to be the one who says it’s over.

Obviously, he did not take this very well, and for reasons –known by him only- he felt that I didn’t care and that I was sailing through life very smoothly now that I ended things with him.  He also thought I was leaving him for someone else. What he didn’t know is that, I lost my focus at work because I was trying to figure out how do I keep him in my life but not be in a relationship with him.

I knew very well that him and I could never be friends, but I thought since we shared a very tight and special bond, we could create something that could fall in-between a relationship and a friendship.

Sadly, the conclusion I reached did not match any of my wishes. Instead, I stopped speaking to him. Basically, I cut all communication between us. The aim here was to get him to get over me quickly. Having said that, I knew how much that would hurt him.  He hated me, as a result.

Why did we break up? I simply could not find myself in him. We not meant to be.

In realising this, I failed to communicate with him properly. I kept this to myself, but eventually I reached a stage where I was very uncomfortable and unhappy with what we had.  Hence I decided to be open about it. After all, I come first in preaching honesty to all my friends. I could not be caught dead being dishonest to someone I love.

We spoke about this and we came up with ways to sort it out. Later, however, I realised that he had stopped living his own life. He started living for me. He stopped socialising and communicating with his friends. He started worrying more about my friends, my problems, my hard time at work, my family issues and all those kind of things. I didn’t like this. And I told him, but I was farting in the water, it seemed.

I know I look for myself in all those I date. But if I find that one lacks that ‘me-ness’, I tell them, but I don’t want them to shape themselves to fit that. It’s just something I expect them to have at a go. Unfortunately, I was experiencing this with someone who was already insecure, because things came to a point where he felt all the guys I was friends with wanted me and I loved them more than him.  

This was absurd, and therefore I did not intend to entertain it. I hated it, and we often fought about it.

I fuelled his insecurities by disclosing –out of honesty, I thought- crushes I had on a couple guys he knew. This was the boiling point for our problems.

I knew for a fact I was wrong; for telling him this, and for letting things reach a point where I look for a ‘perfect’ relationship while I’m in a relationship. I was wrong for getting involved with a kid.

You can just imagine the sort of damage it did to him, when I dumped him. I felt so bad. I felt so evil for causing him so much pain after having told him a million times that I love him, and that no matter what I will stick with him.

He is too young to be in a relationship like the one we had. He needs someone who is not going to complicate his life. Someone who will help him grow up. In fact, he needs someone of his age exactly. Not me. I am a mess that needs solving. Unfortunately, he was not the pertinent creature to help me in this regard. I needed myself to sort this out.

Having been hurt so bad by two people whom I thought loved me, I broke someone’s heart. I put him through the same pain I hate to go through. The one dent that never goes away.

I am to blame.  I would love to shift the blame to the issue of gay relationships that never last, but only last when faithfulness and cheating are considered the prime principles. But, I will not.

Happy read!

Solutions

Instances, examples and problems,

Emergencies, pain and silliness;

My body inevitably fails to connect and reasons cannot be defined.

Less sleep, more pills, mind drugged, my soul is dead,

And my young mind perished in the name of love.

Can I testify and say I was an actor, stage names, lies and imperfections defined me.

Forgetting lines, having no father but trusting in a man,

Failing schools tests, lacking direction but finding joy at varsity,

Limitations and boundaries dictating the light in my tunnel-shaped journey.

Instances, examples and problems,

Emergencies, pain and all;

Tradition abandoned, rules broken while hearts are in a process of being repaired,

Oh I cry, in the name of ancestors as a black soul

I cry in the name of those who live in the moment

I cry in the name of love; that which never existed.

I defined myself in the same way my enemies scrub their floors,

I explain my existence to those who felt I owed them.

I analysed my behaviour to a woman whose genitals stretched as God moulded my parts and shaped my heart, the same heart I have in my hand.

Instances, examples and problems,

Emergencies, pain and cluelessness;

I sleep around, I am sick; I no longer reap, but suck fruits less tasteful than bananas.

I forgot I was a man, I knew I was, but I had to thrust my being where my feet are forbidden as a man.

I forgot I was a loner, I knew I was, before I fell in love and felt good about it,

Deception fooled me; lust blinded me hence I often came quickly.

My traditions have found me, I chose you though I know you ditched me intentionally,

My heart is all repaired; I had to sort it, even though men stabbed me repeatedly in it,

I have found myself through instances, examples and problems,

Emergencies, pain and all.

Survival....

Enduring life, living under circumstances

and suffering in poverty, lacking dreams

as the mind is frustrated.

Simplifying terms is hard, you're calculating your meals so hard

and your stomach cant relax

as your intestine is confused.

Your mind is standing up while you're sitting down,

you can't resist the charm of crime

and you tired of waiting because

you're running out of time.

Siblings are here, they are looking at you,

your father is dead

he left your mother lying there,

hopelessly waiting on you to go out there

and come back with something that can feed these hungry eyes...

You dropped out of school,

Yes you are no good,

but who am I to point a finger at you

when my back encloses two young responsibilities

and a mother who brought home acronyms

on her way to get food me.

Every night I let my face soak in the sea

because every time my mind hits conclusions

I see a limited number of my family,

I see a couple of eyes without family

and I just cannot decide without having her...

Ndive ndisitsho

Gqabi elintsakantsaka,

Lintlakantlaka lithwaxwe zimbalela,

Labuna, labola, lavuthuka.

Uqwalasele kugqutha,

Ufifi lombono lwavela,

Luveza intlantsi yenkwenkwezi,

Ikhanya phezulu phaya,

Umilise izitho emgangathweni,

Welula umqondo, kwahlaziyeka imbilini.

Nkazana entushuntushu, nkazana emfutshane

Siqishimbana sentyatyambo, ndisinekile nje ndiyakubulisa.

Nango amehlo am enyibilika,

Nantsi intliziyo yam intlimpinika

Noko, akophi gazi, luvuyo nje, nokundweba kwengqondo.

Chula ukunyathela ke, simomondiya

Musa ukunyathelwa ke, zizihikahika

Ndikujongile, ndikuhoyile, ndikubukele

Ndikubambile, jonga isandla sam, sikukhongozele

Ndikuqwalasele, ndikuncumele njena, yiyo lento ndikonwabele

Mother earth, The universe or God...?

I knock, I knock and knock

through doors that never seem to open.

I knock and knock through doors that ignore me.

I knock through doors hidding messages from me,

doors that are depriving me of all the good

I was born to inherit.

I knock my knuckles so painfully

on wooden doors, that are holding nothing

but detours and impediments.

I knock and knock and knock

on doors in hopes, in dreams and in plans to find answers.